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Married but single

Updated: Sep 2, 2020

This topic has been rarely discussed these days and that is why it may seem a little confusing to you but as you read along, you will understand that these things happen all around us without even noticing them. We may also often wonder why some people are married but seem as though they are single.

Maybe you've noticed the phenomenon. Maybe you even live it. Men and women who are legally married, but who live as singles. They live under the same roof, share the same last name, have children together, sleep in the same bedroom, yet live separate lives. Communication does not go beyond the strictly necessary and avoids conflict so they can maintain their peaceful coexistence. This married but single lifestyle between the couple didn't just begin overnight, something must have been the reason why the most couple are married today but still single. Ever wonder why you see a married woman partying or going clubbing alone most of the time without her husband around her? Or ever wonder why most men decide to spend most of there time at work or travelling for business or fun trips without their wives around them? When you ask the married but single about his or her spouse, there is usually an excuse why the other is absent. The excuse may be true, or they may have been carrying on the charade so long they believe the excuse, living in a constant state of denial. They may even be together at functions but are not partners in life. They didn't just wake up one day and decided to be married but single, something must have prompted it and we are about to find out the causes of married but single.

What went wrong? Why are they living separate lives under the same roof? Why do they say they are married but have no partnership or relationship. "We just kinda drifted apart," is a regular excuse or rather how it's often described. Communication becomes shorter and shorter. Distance apart grows a little more each day.

It may be as a result of a couple growing to love and pay more attention to there job more than there homes and marriages.

It may be that as children begin to come into the picture, they decided to shower more love on the children and forgot to pay attention to themselves as a couple and as partners.

It may also be that they grew to find themselves not attracted to each other anymore.

At first, they recognise there is a problem between them, but do nothing about it. Often they never mention it to each other. They don't want to make a fuss. They hope the problem, or at least the feeling, will just go away. They may even mention the distant feeling to the other, but they never work on any solutions together.

As time goes by, they get used to the situation and learn to live in this world of together but separate, married yet single. They grow accustomed to the awkwardness of empty companionship and try to ignore the whisper of loneliness in their hearts. They decide not to take the next step, divorce, because of stigma, children, inconvenience or financial implications. Yet the result is very much the same: a sense of rejection, deep loneliness at the centre of the soul, and an ongoing sadness lingering on depression.

At this point, both of them are incredibly vulnerable to all sorts of addictive behaviours: alcoholism, lust, an affair, food disorders, and workaholism are all temptations to replace the ache in their soul. Some may just go into an ongoing state of denial. None of the options, however, negates the ache. They may mask it for a time, but the groaning pain is there taking its toll, now with the added weight of shame. This only heightens the ache and sends them back into the addictive cycle once again.

Is there hope for a marriage in this seemingly hopeless condition? While there are a few possible solutions, the answer can be a resounding, Yes!

If one of the partners is willing to try to revive the marriage, there is hope. While it takes two to make a marriage, it only takes one who yearns for positive change in the marriage to change the whole dynamic of the relationship. This happens if one partner decides to break the spell of diminished expectations and separation. When one changes, the relationship must change. Yes, the change in the relationship might look worse than the usual loneliness and separation. But it can also mean a revitalisation and rediscovery of the relationship once lost or never shared. Among couples whose commitment is to work through their differences rather than abandoning the relationship, the opportunity for change for the better is quite good.

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